Struggle and effort are not helping you get what you want. The faster, easier way to have what you really want is to get crystal clear about how it would feel to already have whatever it is that you want – and literally step into that feeling to bring the actual experience into your life.
Thanks for being here today! Welcome to the Style With Intention podcast.
Today’s episode is all about giving up the struggle. Stopping the go, go, go of “doing” things to get where we want to go and have what we want to have. There’s a faster, easier way – and that is “being.”
I share what this looks like in my own life and give specific examples that I’m sure you’ll relate to. My personal experience with giving up struggle and getting into a really positive “being” state has been remarkable. It’s just a whole lot easier. I find that I get more done, without noticing the time go by – and, I’m now noticing that, when I’m not in this state, everything feels like a slooooow slog.
Listen in today for three questions you can ask yourself to more quickly get into the genuine feeling of already having what you want – so you can be in alignment with the experience of it and have this experience in your life. Our bonus content this week expands on those questions, so be sure to download it by clicking HERE.
As always, my goal is to make it quicker and easier for you to access more ease, joy, and intention in your life…because happy looks really, really good!
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If you’d rather read, than listen, here’s the
FULL TRANSCRIPT OF EPISODE #19
Welcome to the Style With Intention podcast, where we talk about how to use your personal style choices as a tool to create a life you love.
We believe choice is empowering, complacency is boring, and happy looks really, really good!
I’m your host, Annie Kip, and I’m so glad you’re here today!
Today, we’re talking about how to stop the struggle – the feeling that you have to try really hard, and concentrate, and focus, and put all kinds of effort into getting what you want.
It could be struggle in your business – to get clients, or maybe you want to get a promotion or strike out on your own. Or maybe you just figure out your calling – you know what you’re good at.
It could be your relationship – you want it to be better, you want to talk it out, hash out the issues and be clear and understood once and for all. This is totally me – I used to think that if I could just get the beau to understand what I’m saying and what I mean and what I need – everything would be okay.
The conventional wisdom is that we have to work really hard to get what we want. We have to wait. We have to sacrifice. I’ve felt that way myself – and it doesn’t feel good. And the more I’m in that state of mind, the more it weighs on me and gets heavier and heavier. I hate feeling that way, so I came up with a plan and it involves 3 questions that I ask myself. I’m sharing those 3 questions today because these 3 questions will literally take you out of that heavy, sluggish, effortful feeling that you have when you’re struggling and plop you right into a state which is light and hopeful and exciting – and it’s much more likely to give you what you want.
It starts with this premise. That there’s a big difference between “being” in alignment with what we want and all the “doing” that we find ourselves caught up in everyday.
This is really important to understand. We are so busy and bombarded with info and to-do’s and we even tend to distract ourselves with wine or food or social media and we think that we’re getting somewhere when we’re really working hard and pressing through the difficulties and fighting against everything that we don’t like in the world – but really we’re just struggling.
And I don’t think the struggle is helping anyone.
Especially if you are going through a transition or wanting to make a change in your life – or if you’re coming through a crisis and re-orienting yourself and figuring out what your future looks like – I would warn against resigning yourself to feeling bad.
Whenever there’s a vacant spot in our lives – the tendency is to fill it up, often with struggle or effort or longing for something different. You know – like when you’re kids are going off to college – it’s a really busy and exciting time, maybe a little sad for you or maybe somewhat of a relief – but then, they’re gone and there’s kind of a vacant spot. We often fill it with lots of activity and “doing”.
The grit required for a graceful life – isn’t always hard work, sacrifice, and struggle. The work of it – is sometimes the strength it takes to let go of the struggle. To find the easier, more peaceful way.
Instead of going hard at it, what would it be like to step back, sit in the emptiness, even if it’s uncomfortable – and take a minute and figure out how you want to feel in this new situation
Figuring out what you want – and then getting in the actual feeling state of “being” there already is how regular people like you and me can do manifesting. And manifesting is the opposite of struggle.
Manifesting is just a fancy name for working with your subconscious to create the conscious experiences you want to have in your life. Effortlessly.
Even more simply put – it all starts with and comes back to how you feel.
Which is really exciting to me – because we have control over how we feel. We can do things that will help get into the feeling we want to have.
Working hard at something and doing things that look like what we want, but don’t actually feel the way we want to feel is still just struggle. Just because you’re going to parties every night of the week, doesn’t mean you’re actually happy. Just like doing yoga or exercising obsessively doesn’t necessarily mean you’re at peace with yourself and healthy.
The “doing,” in and of itself, isn’t going to help you. It’s only useful if it helps you actually get into the real, authentic feeling state that you want to be in.
Effortlessly “being” is the key to manifesting. Not the effortful, active, struggle of “doing.”
Today, I’m going to explain what that looks like and I’m giving you 3 really important questions you can ask yourself, which will help you get your subconscious on board with where you want to “be” so you can have what you want without the struggle.
It’s fascinating to me to think that we are always manifesting – because, let’s face it – we are always in a state of “being” – whether we are deliberate about it or not. Your emotional state is somewhere right now. Hopefully, somewhere near happy or content or eager or hopeful or excited – but even if it’s bored, or impatient, or discouraged – you’re in a state of “being” and experiencing a feeling.
Our subconscious thoughts and feelings are the things that create our conscious experience.
Most of the time, it just takes a little mindfulness to identify your feeling state – it starts with noticing when you actually have a feeling that you do or don’t like. So often, we just brush past our reactions and especially any unpleasant feelings – sometimes so fast that we hardly notice them, but we may end up at the end of a day or a hard week feeling exhausted and depleted – without realizing why.
Sometimes, it takes going to therapy – which is a big effort. It is in the “doing” category – but even while you’re doing, you’re also being. You can do hard things, with an open, hopeful, loving heart.
I did many years of therapy when I was deciding whether or not to get divorced and then after I got divorced. I wanted to talk about parenting and make sure that I wasn’t continuing destructive patterns. There were so many unpleasant things to look at – it would have been so much easier to not go each week – but those uncomfortable, unpleasant things would still be in my subconscious if I didn’t dig them up and process them. I see why people avoid therapy, but I am so glad I looked at those icky feelings. I saw where I was repeating behaviors, unconsciously doing things that were unproductive and sometimes hurtful to other people. It was no picnic let me tell you, but I’m glad I did it.
Looking back, it was like taking a college-level class all about me. It was a compare and contrast study of the way I was currently “being” and what was causing the dissonance or disconnect from who I want to be. The experience changed the way I “am” – the way I think and the way I see things.
To intentionally manifest what you want, your deep down feelings and energy have to be a match to the thing you want – as if it were already in your life. You have to be so crystal clear about how it would feel – how you would “be” if that thing that you want was in your life, that it feels easy and natural.
When you’re aligned with something, you almost take it for granted. Sort of like the sun coming up – you know it’s going to happen in good time and you don’t have to put in any effort at all to make it happen.
These are the 3 questions you can ask yourself to help you get into a state that is aligned with what you want.
As you ask each question, to yourself, take the time to sit with your answer. If you’re a journal person, you can write what comes to your mind. The important thing is to really flesh it out with as many details as you possibly can, until you can actually feel it in your body.
If you find yourself smiling involuntarily, while you’re doing this – you’re really doing it right!
Question #1 – Who is an imaginary person who has what I want? Think about what they do first thing in the morning, what they wear, what they eat, how they spend their day, how they spend their evening, what their home looks like.
Question #2 – How would it feel if, for the past year, I already had this in my life? What would the last year look like? How would I look, how would I act, how would I feel?
Question #3 – What can I do, right now, this week to get the feeling of having what I want?
The way we live everyday – everything we know and think and do and all the choices we make in a day all the interactions we have with other people – make us feel a certain way. The little choices along the way add up to how we experience the world.
There’s a lot less effort involved in manifesting than people may realize. It isn’t about just thinking really, really hard about something. That’s in the “doing” category.
In fact, it turns out that the effort of making yourself “think” really, really hard about something may actually be getting in your way.
If you are in a state of longing for something, you won’t get the thing you want – you’ll only get more of what you already feel in your heart – the longing for it.
The deal with manifesting is that you get more of what you are already feeling – not what you fervently want. That is why I suggest using the 3 Questions to help you conjure up the feeling of having what you want – rather than sitting down and creating a strategy and a plan and working hard to make it happen.
For example, we’ve all had a friend desperately wants to meet someone and get married, but they keep connecting with people who cheat, or don’t want to commit, or who aren’t appropriate for one reason or another. Sometimes, they step up their efforts – asking friends to set them up, going out all the time hoping to meet the right person, working at it like it’s their job – and, yet, they never find a good partner. That is, until they give up the hunt. When they relax and resign themselves to being alone and content and happy within themselves, that is when it often happens.
Sometimes people will deliberately try to be okay not having someone in their life, so they will attract someone. If they’re only taking time alone for the purpose of attracting someone and filling in a void in their life – and are actually miserable by themselves, it just doesn’t work.
It only works when they’re in an authentic, solidly happy emotional state. They aren’t bitter or angry or discouraged. They’re happy with themselves and open to new experiences and new ways of being happy – to the point where they don’t require someone in their life to be happy – and bam! A perfect mate appears!
You can’t cheat your subconscious feelings – they run the show.
This is manifesting in action – Being really, truly happy in a genuine, grounded way – attracts another happy, grounded person.
It isn’t that complicated!
This is where I think your style choices can be a really useful tool to make your life more the way you want it to be. You can make choices that will help you truly feel the way you want to feel.
The goal is to figure out how you want to feel first – and then make choices that help you get there.
I’ve been doing this consciously and unconsciously all my life. You have been too, whether you realize it or not.
For instance, I’ve learned that my emotional state is affected by what I wear. Wearing leggings and a sweatshirt for many days in a row can start to bring me down a little mentally and emotionally. The beau just says I like to be fancy – but wearing nice clothes actually helps me access a part of myself that is more confident and solid.
It might sound superficial, but this isn’t about materialism or designer clothes or acquiring things – it’s much more deep than that.
The difference between doing and being – is that I’m not struggling. I’m not doing it to impress other people and I’m certainly not equating wearing nice clothes with my worth. It’s about how it makes me feel. The “doing” effort of getting out of my sweats helps me “be” in an emotional state that feels better – more like myself.
The same is true of the way I’ve decorated my home – it isn’t huge and it isn’t expensive – but it is filled with things that make me happy. I have white slipcovered sofas – even though I have a big brown dog, named Luna – because I like how they go with everything in case I want to change things up and I really like knowing I can wash and bleach the heck out of the slipcovers if they get dirty – it puts my mind at ease. It feels good to me.
It’s different for everyone – you might need to go for a run to feel your best, or have a bouquet of flowers on your desk or a yummy lunch to look forward to – it’s just important to know your own quirks and to notice how you’re affected by different choices – how they make you feel – and accept them so you can work with them.
Listening to your Whispers really helps with this. I went into this more in episode #2 – for those of you unfamiliar with what I call Whispers – they are the little flashes of insight that you get from your heart. They can be really subtle, but if you practice listening to them, they will help you figure out what makes you truly happy.
The Whispers help you notice both what feels good and what brings you down.
Maybe drinking a green smoothie makes you feel really good about yourself. Maybe being in a neat and tidy space feels extra good to you. Or maybe listening to music brings you up. When you know what works for you, you can intentionally access the feelings you want to have.
And this podcast is good example of getting into alignment – I consciously took steps that felt aligned with being a podcaster – not just wishing and hoping to be a podcaster someday. Just like anyone else who doesn’t know what they’re doing on a new project – I started in some really low level emotions – like insecurity and self-doubt – but I’ve done things that help me “be” where I want to be – I bought a good microphone, I chose music that felt like “me,” I’ve dedicated time to creating a professional podcast that I am proud to tell people about.
I took action before I was totally comfortable, yes, but every step was something that helped me to “be” in the feeling of already having what I wanted.
So my challenge to you is this: what is it that you want for yourself?
How would you behave and what would you be doing if this were already a conscious reality in your life.
Do you want a job you love? What would that look like? How could you “be” in that state already?
Well, you could put on clothes that you might wear to an office and setup coffee dates with people who have jobs that sound interesting to you. You could spend time each day, networking and gathering resources and applying for jobs, as if this were your full-time job already. You could get yourself into the mindset of enjoying the journey – of the adventure and excitement of figuring out what you want to do.
Can you see the difference between that approach and the mindset of being bummed that you don’t have a job, complaining to friends that there’s nothing available, not bothering to get dressed or leave the house because you don’t have a job yet, and hating the process of looking for a job. Search for a job this way – and you’ll probably get a whole lot more frustration and discouragement – and if you find a job, it’s likely to not be much fun.
For instance, if you want to manifest a more fit body – you have to get into the mindset of someone who is already fit. Be that person – by doing the things they do, make the food choices they would make. Assume the role of a fit person and live your life as if it is already true – you can essentially reprogram your subconscious beliefs.
Focusing on what you consider to be “reality” can get in the way. When you say “hey, but I’m not fit, and I’m too tired to go for a run, and besides, I don’t like green smoothies” it doesn’t help you – because, of course, this takes you out of alignment with manifesting a more fit body.
What about if you just want a better relationship? How would a person in the kind of relationship you want to have act? What would they be thinking about? What would they naturally do? How would they treat their partner?
Being who you want to be – a kind, loving person with all your heart, not just conditionally to get a certain desired reaction or outcome – is the way to get what you want. It won’t work to be manipulative. You can’t do nice things, hoping someone else will be nice back. It has to be genuine and real. It has to come from real, generous feelings that are a result of who you are.
Why let another person drag you down. If you’ve got subconscious resentments or fears and are holding back – figure out what those are for yourself. Not for anyone else. Get into alignment with what you really want – be the person you want to be – and see how that opens up possibilities. You don’t know what kinds of good things are waiting for you, right around the corner.
We can’t possibly fathom all the good that is available in this universe, just waiting for us to get into a better groove – to get into alignment with it. We can do, do, do. But in the end – being is what will make the biggest difference. You have to “be” in the feeling of it first – not the wanting of it or wishing for it or hoping and longing for it.
So much of the world is out of sync – but you can do your own small part to be the person you want to be, make the choices that support that, and take the actions that come from that place -without struggle or hard work. Just be – it’s a much faster, easier way to get what you want.
Be sure to download the bonus content for this episode – I’ve put the 3 Questions into a one-page worksheet for you. I’ve included more prompts and suggestions to help you really get crystal clear on how it would feel to have what you want. Start small and strengthen your manifesting muscle so you can bring bigger and better things into your life. I’d love to hear from you over at Annie Kip Style on Instagram or send me a note on the StyleWithIntentionpodcast.com website.
Until next week, keep making your life more and more the way you want it to be!
Download the BONUS CONTENT here: “3 Questions To Get What You Want Without The Struggle”